Week one of #sewfancypants is coming to an end and what a week it’s been. Honestly, I’m a bit teary-eyed (in a good way) about it all. (PSA: This post veers a bit from my normal format. If you’re just here for fabric or fitting details, you’ll find them by scrolling to the bottom of this post) Maybe it’s the fact that organizing this whole deal has brought me new friends in Loni, Jen, and Katie, perhaps something to do with so many of you participating and sharing the love, or I’m simply at the tail end of an emotional roller coaster of a month but, right now, I’m feeling triumphant. It’s a moment I want to hold onto as I sit here typing tonight. Looking at the picture below, that’s what I see. Triumph.
There are few times in my life where I can describe feeling truly triumphant, in fact, I could list them all here:
- One time in the state middle school mock trial tournament when, as a ‘witness’, I made the opposing team ‘lawyer’ so frustrated he nearly broke into tears.
- I was so deliriously tired that I don’t remember the exact timeline, but sometime in the first few weeks of my son’s life when I held my son and just knew we had always belonged to each other.
- This last summer, drenched in sweat, laughing, and standing under a swamp cooler with my husband after moving most of our belongings into our first home.
- Wearing this outfit today and looking at the woman I see in the above picture.
As a child and teen, I was privileged to grow up in a home filled with love, encouragement, humor, and far too many fart jokes. As a result, I never had to worry about so many of the heavy things that are unfairly thrust upon children at a young age. In truth, much of my childhood was uncomplicated and easy. Sure, I initially found it to be difficult to make friends when we moved, and I had no athletic ability but; I found my dearest friends in my siblings and school work came easily to me. Fast forward to just about six years ago….
At the time, I was a newlywed of about six months, struggling in school, and had found out a couple of months prior that I was pregnant (not in our immediate plan at the time). Despite the love and support of friends and family surrounding me, for the first time in my life, life felt heavy, terrifying, and just really darn hard. I was flailing, sad, and too ashamed to ask for the help that I so desperately needed in school. Instead, I decided to quit. I quit with just three semesters remaining until graduation. Just typing that last sentence made my heart sink. That decision isn’t one that makes me proud, but it is one that has shaped the Nicole I now see.
Over the following months and years, I would find myself worrying about the possibility of running into an old professor or classmate while out and about. What would I say? How would I explain what I felt to be a colossal failure? Would they think less of me because of my decision? Was I somehow unworthy of happiness or success because I hadn’t taken full advantage of the opportunities I was given at the time? Feelings of doubt and shame often clouded the back of my mind.
Months passed, I gave birth to a beautiful boy with a full head of blonde hair. My husband chose a new major and worked evenings to support our family. I worked weekends at an inspiring fabric store called Suppose. There, I fell in love with fabric. Sewing had been part of my life for years prior to this but; it was in those quiet lonely evenings, with the apartment all to myself, that I began rebuilding my confidence through creativity.
It started small. I would find a pretty piece of fabric at work and stitch it into a basic top or a small quilt block. Sometimes I’d get crazy and sew a dress. Eventually, I started setting small sewing goals for myself. One of my first was the #supposeselfie. Over the course of a year or so, I set a goal to make something new each week and wear it to work on the weekend. For the most part, I stuck to it and my skills slowly grew. I look back at those pictures and can almost see the self-assurance growing along with my skill set.
Throughout the last several years, I’ve pieced over a dozen quilts, taught a few sewing classes, sewn countless items of apparel, taken on commissions here and there, and even designed a gender neutral collection of children’s play clothing which was shown at Utah Fashion Week in the spring of 2017. In 2018, I leveled up my sewing by making my first coat and several pairs of jeans. I blogged more than ever before, finally moved my website to its own domain, and started reaching out to collaborators. Every item, every stitch, and every opportunity pushed me. Some of these projects brought me to tears with challenges and deadlines both real and imagined. These projects also did something unexpected. They reconnected me to the fearless Nicole that I once knew.
You see, sewing wasn’t something I had to do. It wasn’t paying the family bills or putting food on the table. I could have quit at any time. That first time I cried over a poorly fitting garment? Could’ve quit then. The night my machine went haywire at 2am while trying to finish one of my first commissions? Could’ve quit then. What about applying to show a small collection in Utah Fashion Week when my husband’s school schedule was so full that I was often solo parenting from dawn to bedtime? Did not have to do that. Yet, it happened. I faced my fears. I tried. I failed. I tried again. I failed again. I kept sewing. I didn’t quit. I am not a quitter.
Yesterday as I sewed these Persephone Pants and later this Roscoe Blouse, I took a moment to appreciate how quickly and beautifully they came together. These pants are one of most well made items I’ve ever sewn; yet they came together almost without a hitch. To everyone else, these are just a nice pair of pants but, to me, they’re a symbol of the hours and years I’ve worked to develop the necessary skills, my own personal triumph.
The year 2018 was one of my most challenging yet, both personally and professionally. It included change, difficulty, heartache, and a decent amount of uncertainty. With the challenges of the year also came immense joy, some lost sleep, a lot of hard work, and triumph. Six years ago, the difficulties of 2018 would have stopped me. Today I realized they didn’t. Sure, there were moments where I wanted to stop moving forward, and sometimes I even let those feelings sit with me for a few days, but I didn’t quit.
Looking back on the me I knew six years ago, my only regret is that I didn’t show her a little more compassion. That I didn’t deem her worthy of self-acceptance. Am I proud that I didn’t finish my degree? No. Did I learn from that decision? Yes. Am I still learning from it? You bet. Will I go back and accomplish that goal one day? I plan on it. Until then, I’ll keep sewing and moving forward. Maybe I’ll even figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve got a lot yet to learn, but I’m here for the long haul.
There you have it, a long-winded personal narrative on how sewing taught me self-love, hard work, persistence, and triumph. I cannot close without noting that while this story is about my personal journey with sewing, it wasn’t a road I traveled alone. My husband, son, parents, siblings, and friends cheered and encouraged my creations. Jo and Kathy of Suppose provided a shop full of inspiration where my dreams ran free. I’ve felt the love and encouragement of countless sewing friends both in person and online. Maybe tomorrow I’ll shed a tear over an incorrectly sewn seam or feel discouragement when a post doesn’t get the engagement I’d hoped but, tonight this feels good.
Fabric and Pattern Details
Top: True Bias Roscoe Blouse in Atelier Brunette viscose from D&H Fabrics. Find my Roscoe Blouse fit info in this post.
Pants: Anna Allen Clothing Persephone Pants in Burnt Sienna Twill from D&H Fabrics. Find my Persephone fit info in this post.
